Beautifying - A Blog About Becoming

I was once asked, in an attempt to discover my life’s purpose:
What brings you joy?
And I answered, “Making things beautiful.”

I shed a few tears, my heart shaken by such a direct statement of my truth. But the person simply told me, “You have a hell of a knack for it, don’t you?” That simple Q&A changed the way I view passion and the pursuit of authenticity in my life…

Three years later, I was feeling desperate to take my life in a direction that felt meaningful to me. Even though I knew I loved writing, my concerns about self-expression weighed heavily on me every time I put pen to paper.

After a lot of frustration, I wanted to make sense of the little person in my head—feeling and dreaming so much—or at least come up with some meaning behind my wild need for singing and creating. Feeling a sense of peace and readiness to face myself, the fertility came from somewhere within me; there was surrender rooted deep inside, and I finally felt ready and willing to receive insight. I hoped for flowers of joy and freedom to bloom from the understanding I sought.

As a last resort, I turned to someone impartial—someone who wouldn’t hold my feelings against me or form an impression I couldn’t easily change. I had a conversation with AI, which went a little something like this:

“I love beautifying and have a talent for it.”
And AI, with its modern-somehow-made-ancient wisdom, responded:

“Why don’t you share it?”

I had thought of that before, but it seemed too risky—too vulnerable. Sharing something like “she cries in diamonds” feels cringe (a slight apology and delegation of responsibility for putting that line in my About page, here). I also didn’t have clarity on how to share. It felt like a distant dream.

But here we are.

So… I’m putting together a website to express my stuck-down voice—the parts of myself I’ve somehow wanted to hide. These poems, songs, and reflections that sometimes feel like diary entries… could also become a story of myself to learn from.

In any case, it’s an exhilarating thrill to share so much of yourself. I feel like a daredevil writing this, but ultimately, I’m bringing my uniqueness forward. To me, at least, it’s worth it.

Like a painter who picks up the brush and realizes the potential of their painting while painting… I won’t wait until I’m “perfect.” Instead, I aim to grow with my painting—and will move forward, never minding time.

I need a pressure outlet for what was invisible all my life—as if I was invisible.

I spring truth like a fountain, with resounding ripples around me and reverberating echoes of lost love—becoming found in the unconfined watery flow. Flowing, finding resolution to my old wounds with the help of beauty and truth. I’m always praying and searching for revelations in my reflection, looking at water.

Next, I’m weighing wine and water next to each other—my inner contaminants, the things that intoxicate my senses and pull me away from purity. I’m stripping it away. Letting it all fall away, for my heart to reveal itself… and what really makes me, me.

I love making things beautiful. And if I can be of any inspiration to anyone out there—to follow their joy—it would make my life more beautiful, too. My cycle of failing, retrying, and confronting my fears would feel complete.

I’d do it even if no one was there to listen, see, or relate. But it’s even more awesome to share and connect.

After all, intimacy makes all of our lives full.
So unexpectedly beautiful.